This post is a transcript of something I read out in Episode 42. Rachel and Rebecca insisted I also publish it on the website, so here we are. Enjoy? I guess??
Hello, my name is Sanguine Cream Dream and hoooo boy, I sure do love kissing things.
Nothing makes me happier than puckering up and planting a big ol’ slobbery smooch onto the lips of someone who wants a nice little bit of lip licking in return. You name it, I’ve kissed it. A car? Yes. A human being? Well, I think that goes without saying. A dog? Yes, but in a normal “affectionate peck on the head way”, and not in the way your tone implied when you asked me that question. Behave yourself.
Tragically, despite years of trying, there’s one group of infinitely kissable things that I can’t seem to plant a single peck onto: video game characters.
It’s a source of continuous disappointment for me. Not a day goes by that my lips don’t get all moist and kissable at the mere thought of giving a real, tender lip cuddle to some of my favourite folks from video games.
So buckle up buddy, because, in order to offset my perpetual smooch struggle, I’m gonna give you a list of all the characters I wanna give a right old kiss to on their lips and/or faces but nowhere else because that’s probably a bit too much for when you first meet someone.
1) Victor Sullivan — Uncharted Series
Oh boy oh boy oh boy, Sully is well high on my kiss list. For starters, not only has he got that silver fox thing going for him, but his countless years of implied womanising have undoubtedly made him into a walking smooching machine. If his lips could talk (which, I mean, technically they can, but I mean his actual lips, like, not his whole mouth, just his lips), I bet they’d have a thousand sloppy stories to tell about other lips they’ve gone and done some kisses onto.
Not only that, but his moustache looks like it would entangle itself into my beard as we’re smooching, which would legally make us face married, and that’s one hell of an added bonus.
2) Reaper — Overwatch
Reaper is perpetually miserable and hides his lips behind a skull mask, probably because they’re always contorted into a grumpy little grimace.
Well, let me tell you, grumpy lips are prime smooching potential as far as I’m concerned, and to get a chance to give Reaper a big old taste of my puckered face clam would be a dream come true. Maybe I’d even give him a death blossom, which is both the name of his special move in the game AND a clever way of saying erection.
3) Marguerite Baker – Resident Evil 7
Oh, shush, I know what you’re thinking. “Marguerite Baker is spooky! Why would you want to wrap your lips around something that gives my heebs a right good dose of the jeebs?”.
Well, the answer’s surprisingly simple – Marguerite spends most of her time in Resident Evil 7 chasing protagonist Ethan around, and whilst most might find that intimidating, I find it well sexy. Nothing gets my kiss glands all nice and juicy like the thrill of the chase, and if it’s a literal chase, you’ll have to grab a mop, because I’ll be gushing red hot kiss liquid right from my smoochable maw as soon as I start to giggle and totter down a dilapidated corridor.
Also, Marguerite can summon an army of flying insects at a moments notice, which means that whilst we’re getting down in face town, she can have her army of flies give me a thousand tiny kisses all at the same time, the thought of which is so appealing I need to go and have a lie down.
4) Gordon Freeman – Half-Life 2
As far as I’m aware, Gordon Freeman is just a huge pair of lips, running around City 17 with his tongue wrapped around a crowbar, and no one better correct me because I don’t want to be told I’m wrong. Can you confirm otherwise? I didn’t think so.
Honestly, it’s no wonder everyone In Half Life 2 wanted to give Gordon “The Lips” Freeman a big old slobbery kiss. If you saw a huge pair of human mouth bits wobbling towards you down the street, and your first instinct wasn’t to pucker up and get kissin’, you’re a liar, and you need to seriously reevaluate a large number of things that you probably believe define you as a good and normal member of society.
5) The big house from Final Fantasy 7
If there’s one thing I love running my mouth muscles over, it’s infrastructure. There’s not a council building in this most united of kingdoms that I haven’t shown affection to, despite the desperate pleas of local members of parliament, random passersbys and – thanks to a viral tweet – whoever runs the Wendy’s Twitter account.
But here’s the thing: none of those houses had little legs sticking out of the bottom. You’re telling me that in the highly lauded RPG Final Fantasy VII – a game full of very kissable people, let me BLOODY tell ya – there’s a house that could not only run towards me, but hold me in its stumpy little window arms and plant the softest of abode smooches onto me with its door – which, as we all know, is the mouth of a house.
You’re all thinking it, I’m just brave enough to say it.
Right, that’s me off. Cheers. Bye.
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